I am an All Black

So, I am an All Black. Well, not really, but I can play rugby like an All Black. Ok, that’s a lie, but I am built like an All Black. Plus the beer gut. Ok, so I look like a retired All Black. With a teeny weeny bit of extra kilos.

Oh, ok, you rumbled me. I look like a retired All Black with a weight problem. Without the cauliflower ears, the sports car or the gambling habit, but at least I lived in North Otago for 6 years, and I know the sister of an All Black.

But today I feel like an All Black. Because today the All Blacks played one of their best games ever (with abysmal kicking, but what can you do) and I watched it on an Ipad, in bed, with the best ever girl friend cuddled up to me, hurtling abuse at Australians (her, not me).

So today I am an All Black. Me and the other million exiled Kiwis in London.

Italy-New Zealand

Kia Ora,

we’re a bit late for the game of the All-Whites against those eleven men who easily fall over and cry (also known as the current World Champion) but at present (37 minutes) it’s a sensational 1:1 and the Italians either fall over and cry without any discernible contact or shoot on goal, while the Kiwis defend (slightly sheepishly) like lions

38:30 de Rossi falls over in a Shakespearan fashion. Why? Freekick fails to connect

Marcello Lippi looks like a dapper Michael Parkinson in his red track suit. Very stylish.

45:00 Half time. The Italians look like 11 very camp men trying to ram the All-Whites defenses but falling over repeatedly in the process. There is a very close resemblance to this.

65:00 There continues to be general shooting on one goal. Italians still fall over far too easlily

70:00 Great save by Paston. No Italians were hurt during this save.

82:05 BRILLANT SHOT by Wood on Italian goal. just a little wide.

86:00 Nelson gets a yellow card for being injured. Calls for a some psychoanalysis for the referee get louder.

94.23 It’s over!! New Zealand gain another point.

It’s box of fluffy ducks time!!

New Zealand – Slovakia

Welcome from Fordiebianco HQ, were weare all gathered to watch big one, the one we all have been waiting for: New Zealand against the Czech, er, sorry, the other ones with the past dabbling in racism, Slovakia.

The singing was very impressive by the Kiwis, and I almost didn’t recognise the strange blown up version of their national anthem.

So here we go:

4:08 nice chance after a freekick. Tests the Slovak goalie. Good on them.

6:20 even though the stadium seems to be less than half full, the bloody Vuvuzelas are blathering on.

08:59: nice delivery behind the Slovakia defense. Corner

10:49 Am I dreaming or are the kiwis actually dominating the game?

13:13 oops, toast is burning

14:26 Mark Paston so far making a decent job in the Kiwi goal.

15:29 ditto

17:00 According to Wikipedia, Paston is only first choice goalie becuase of his predecessor’s ‘improper conduct’

20:00 I think Tesco’s decision to stock German peppered Salami was an enlightened one.

22:00 The Mexican wave has apparently started 7 minutes earlier than during the Algeria/Slovakia game.

24:00 Insipid midfield kicking

27:00 According to Wikipedia, Ricki Herbert’s win ration for the teams he’s coached outside the national team is 34.91%

28:00: good shot on the Kiwi goal by the Slovaks.

30:00 Alex Ferguson’s win rate is 57.51%

32:01 good shot on goal by All Whites

33:00 blatant defending error by Paston. Kiwis lucky to get out of that one.

35:00 more shooting in direction of Kiwi goal.

37:00 Former mayor/principal’s wife accused of having sex with his pupils

37:30 Nice shot by Fallon on outer net of Slovaks. Well done.

41:00 Yellow card against New Zealand. Beautiful save by Paston after powerful mid range shot my Hamsik.

46:00 Half Time: Well done New Zealand. Even Alan Hansen is happy with them

48:00 “More urgency” from the Slovakians. Didn’t they go to the loo in half time?

49:00 0:1 ! Goal for the Slovaks. Bummer.

59:00 Slovakia has woken up. It’s all on one goal now.

64:00 another chance for Sklovakia, but way over the box

70:24 Slovaks falling all over the place. They should play against the All Blacks for a change.

72:00 Chris Killan replaced by Wood. No, not that Wood.

77:00 Christie comes in for the Kiwis. In Oamaru a scaffolding comes down

86:00 nothing much happens.

87:40 almost 1:1. bummer

92:00 Goal!!! kiwis equalise!!! Winston Reid for OBE!!!

Nice one Kiwis. And now please destroy the bloody Italians