Dear Boris,

I happen to work in that amazing city of yours. I don’t live there anymore because I don’t want to pay the exorbitant rents or pay 900.000 pounds for a two up – two down semi but I love the place nevertheless and enjoy working there.

But honestly Dude, you have to do something about public transport on the weekend. You can’t continue letting your TfL minions shut down the tube and expect us to sit in buses on gridlocked streets. Some cities have their engineering work done at night, you know? And whoever had the idea to shut down the tube AND have the Lord Mayor shut down the whole of the city should be named and have Quentin Letts in the Daily Mail write an article about him/her.



Boris, meet enraged Joe SixPack.

So Boris Johnson officially endorsed Barack Obama in a Op-Ed piece in the Telegraph. Good on him. He probably did not expect the wrath of the enraged Palin voters. Here are some excerpts from the hundreds of comments that found their way on the Telegraph’s website. They’re actually quite funny!

“…stay the hell out of American politics you privileged, limey ponce.”

“Obama is a puppet of Zbiegniew Brzezinski, the man very involved in the creation of the Mujahaden who became the Taliban. He was a big player in HAARP technology and believes in the Eugenics programme.
Psychiatrists have exposed Obama’s speeches as using hypnotic mechanisms, so he is well trained in deception, something I feel we need to rid politics of.”

“Obama is a New World Order stooge.
Anyone wondered why his opposition is a 72 year old who is in remission from cancer?
These people take no chances.”

“Mind your own business, you don’t vote over here in AMRERICA!!! unless you are one of Obamas secret donors. Americans don’t care about you Muslim loving brits. Stay out of our election.”

..and my favourite:

“Whether Obama wins or loses, the blacks will probably riot. […] Many people are stocking up on ammunition in anticipation of trouble in the urban areas on Election Night.
I realize that you are a U.S. citizen and entitled to vote for Obama if you choose, but you won’t be living here for the next four years. The man is a full-blown socialist and it will take decades to undo the damage he will cause.”

Club Classics. Only at Home?

So last Friday the best girlfriend ever and myself were having a glass or Viognier while cooking my beloved Penne with rosemarie’d lamb in white wine, Heart FM’s club classics pumping out the stereo. Inspired by the bass lines of Jamiroquai, Incognito and Chic we were grooving around the kitchen, chopping onions and garlic, all while shimmying our middle-aged booties (in the best girlfriend’s ever case of course a middle aged bootie that looks like a teenage one). Then her attractiveness suddenly declared:

‘Why are there no clubs for middle-aged people? This is London, for goodness sake’

Doesn’t she have a point? We are a club-owners dream: moderately affluent enough not to survive an evening on lager-shandies (after already having drunk a bottle of 2 pound Vodka at home), old enough not to get hopelessly drunk, destroy the interior and annoy the other guests, young enough to still party like it’s 1999 (well, I was around thirty then, so I was getting on a bit already. I am sure that Prince never imagined that partying like 1999 would be something reminisced about by middle aged geezers). The 30 to 40 year olds should be positively begged to appear in clubs: spending like hell, but still responsible enough to be home at a sensible time , without leaving the club in tatters. Looking at the Guardian’s clubbing diary, I can’t find any clubs advertising club nights for the moderately aged.

For heaven’s sake, is it too much to ask for a club night in which I can drink a decent red wine or a glass of Hoegaarden or two, dance outrageously happy to intelligent funk and soul without having to listen to rappers telling me how they knifed somebody while having intercourse with a gangsta-bosses female associate?
The government should do something about it immediately. Maybe the Liberal Democrats could put it on their next manifesto?

‘If elected, we will endeavour to improve access to clubs to the criminally neglected age-bracket from 30 to 40 by scheduling dedicated funk nights in urban dance halls”

That could be the ultimate vote winner for the Lib Dems. Heck, I might even vote Tory if Boris Johnson would promise me free Jazz Funk nights every second Friday of the month in the Royal Albert Hall. Instead he wants to eliminate the smoking ban. Talk about the wrong priorities.

So instead I have to continue to use the kitchen floor as my dance floor, and do my JK impressions and the air bass-guitar moves with the casserole.