Tales From The Malarooney Daddy. Zorch, Cats!

Just Ten Bucks!

I remember it vividly. It was a sunny Sunday morning, probably 2005 or 2006. I was slowly waking up from the relentless drone of chainsaws, lawn mowers and other powertools that rural Kiwis like to use on the weekends and as usual switched on the radio. The reassuring voice of Chris Laidlaw oozed out of the speaker, in glorious AM (New Zealand National Radio’s FM signal was notoriously unstable in Kakanui) and then suddenly a bloke with what sounded like a weird guitar and a bass drum started, well, not really singing, more rapping.  Sprouting lyrics like this:

A pterodactyl was a flying fool,

just a breeze flapping daddy of the old school,

but a mamadactyl could sure make him drool.

Ape Call! Dooblyaba!

Ape Call! Dooblyaba!

Don’t be a fool Joe: Go Ape!

Turns out it wasn’t a guitar, it was a bariton ukulele. And it wasn’t a bass drum, it was apparently his foot tapping the base of his microphone stand. And the chap singing it was Jimmy Drake, aka Nervous Norvus. There is little on this man on the interwebs, apart from two excellent articles by an equally mysterious chap called Phil Milstein who sketches a rather sorrowful biography of the man (see list of references). The saddest anecdote for me was the story of Drake’s first hit, the inspired ‘Transfusion’:

This is how Milstein tells it:

[…] it was big enough that the producers of The Ed Sullivan Show invited Drake to lip-sync to it on the Sunday night variety staple. To most performers, an offer to appear on Sullivan’s “really big shew” was a once-in-a-lifetime golden opportunity. But, according to Blanchard, “he chickened out. He was afraid to go — he wouldn’t appear in public.” Although the hitmaking part of his career was certainly doomed anyway, with that decision Jimmy Drake virtually plunged the fork into it.

After fading away from from the public interest, he continued to put little ads in music magazines, offering to record demos of other people’s songs. One song 10$, two songs 19$. And then he died, aged 56 of liver cirrhosis. Turns out he sought solace in booze just a tad too much.

On that Sunday in Kakanui I pledged to buy a bariton ukulele and play one of Drake’s ditties on the famous open mike night of the even more famous Pinguin Club with the world famous Bookbinder of Oamaru doing the Ape Call yodel. For some weird reason this never happened. It wasn’t that the three chords of ‘Ape Call’ weren’t easy to play (even for an absolute beginner like myself), but stage fright took over every time and so I still dream of one day performing the ‘Bullfrog Hop‘ or ‘The Fang‘.

At least I still play the Ukulele.

In the meantime, I will play my new EP of the original Dot recordings until the needle breaks or the best girlfriend ever throws the record out with the trash.

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For more excellent reading on the wonderful Nervous Norvous, please check out these two of Phil Milstein’s many excellent articles:

An Open Letter to the Greek Chamber of Commerce

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Picture by James Bird

 

Dear Greek Chamber of Commerce,

I am aware that your members are currently under enormous economic duress, and I applaud their extra determination to get as many customers to enter their premises to aid the ailing Greek economy. Nevertheless, being bombarded every 5 meters by another hawker with ‘come in: nice food, cold beer’ for hours without end actually steels my resolve not to enter those exact premises that are aggressively trying to lure me in by standing in my way.

So, in the name of all the tourists visiting your lovely country, please tell your members that hawking inevitably will lead to another bail out.

Sincerely,

 

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Day 4: That’s Entertainment (or maybe not)!

Another day at sea as we are traversing the Aegaen Sea from Istanbul to Athens. As Kim Stanley Robinson observed in ‘2312’: “Habits begin to form at the very first repetition”. So after 4 days we are already quite set in our ways: Get up, have breakfast, go back to the cabin, work, lunch, work, gym, dinner, digestif, bed. I assume that’s what it’s all about when taking a cruise: sleep and food. And plenty of both.

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It’s Terrormolinos!

For those who don’t have the necessity to sit in front of the laptop during their holidays, the ship’s entertainment armada offers sporty things on the upper decks, evening entertainment in the ship’s theatre (mainly consisting of a group of people singing musical and easy listening covers with varying degree of annoyance). And if you’re too lazy to sit in the theatre, you can watch the shenanigans on the ship’s TV. I am just glad that my cabin is quite far removed from the entertainment hub and I can’t hear the caterwauling. I am moderately envious of the guests on the Geek Cruises and those organised by the Scientific American or the Planetary Society, but then you learn by experience. If intellectual titillation it is what you seek, maybe you shouldn’t be on a Diva cruise. Live and learn.

Nevertheless, if it’s relaxation you seek, there’s plenty here for you. Especially for the brain. 

 

 

Day 3: Istanbul (is not Constantinople)

Obligatory Plug:

Today I woke up to the call of the Muezzin calling the faithful to prior. Well, there was actually four of them, as they were four mosques around the cruise ship terminal. We got up a bit earlier than usual to take part in an excursion to the Blue Mosque and the Basilica Cistern: both amazing, cavernous spaces. Hard to decide what was more impressive: the delicate tiling and the vibrant colours of the Mosque or the vast, cavernous space with its dozena of columns and doric capitals.P1000399Apparently this is only one of hundred of hidden, subterranean cisterns, fed by aquaeducts. The mind boggles. By the way, for an excellent account of Justinian’s East Rome, check out William Rosen’s Justinian’s Flea: Plague, Empire and the Birth of Europe. Excellent book.

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At 6 pm, we left the harbour again to head to Athens, under the fading light of the Bosporus. Magic. Unfortunately marred by the smoker’s cough of the majority of our neighbours. Gosh, I completely forgot how fond Germans are of smoking. While the proprietors of the ship are keen to keep smokers out of the ship they are still smoking on their balconies and some of the outside bars. Sigh.

And don’t start me on the nudity.

Day 2: So you’re not in the middle of the sea anymore.

Yesterday lunchtime the AidaDiva arrived with typical German punctuality in Istanbul. I quite like the fact that the cruise ship harbour is in the middle of the city, and that (if one would be so inclined) I could venture to the Golden Horn or the Hagia Sophia on foot. Instead I stayed in my cabin and worked on my Open University assignments, looked over the street scape and listened to Steely Dan. There are worse ways to spend a day and self imposed isolation feels like a true luxury when you’re surrounded by the masses. The alternative would be something like this:

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Highly professional facial blurring by GIMP 2.

Now imagine this being accompanied by somebody jumping up and down in front of them with a microphone. And annoying schmaltzy schlager music. That makes the cabin so much more alluring. By the way, the temperature on this picture was 12 centigrade. You would think that the Eastern Mediterranean would be a bit warmer. Not these days, it isn’t.

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If this looks suspicious, imagine it with ‘Agadoo’ as accompaniment. It gets immediately 20 times worse, innit?

After a few days of this, I have decided if I ever will venture on a cruise ship again, it will be with one of the Planetary Society ‘s cruise or Geek Cruises, otherwise my brain will atrophy (even more). Fortunately the ship has a well working satellite internet hook up (technical term there), though the bandwidth is rather small. But hey, the fact that it’s working in the middle of the sea at all is a technological marvel. At 159 Euros a week it’s a bit steep, though. But then the drinks are far  better value than in London.

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Beat that, Tower Hamlets.