Gravitas? Nope.

Over the last ten years, during which middle age has finally set in (both mentally and physically, although I still don’t vote conservative/republican) the pleasure of going to the cinema has reduced inversely proportional to the size of my TV. At present the TV size is 55 inches, while my interest of going to the cinema is tending towards nil. As I am a happy sticks-dweller, the next cinema that’s worth visiting is 1 hour away and choosing the right showings has become tricky, as you want to avoid both mobile toting, constantly chatting teenagers and smelly single individuals. An additional bonus is the wait for some proper online reviews and the fact that catering is much better at home. I know of very few cinemas that serve their main feature with a fillet in mustard crust and parsnip chips. Add to that the fact that I can cuddle the best girlfriend ever during gruesome scenes (Red Wedding anyone?) without an arm rest and a kilo of popcorn between us, the cinema tends to be less important these days.


So I was absolutely thrilled to finally get my hands on the 3D Blu-Ray version of ‘Gravity’. After all the hype and the Oscars, I was looking for a veritable SciFi fest, featuring my favourite moving object in the sky (no, not Sandra Bullock), the ever so cool International Space Station, where science might be mighty expensive but Russians and USAians still get can get along.


So, the best girlfriend ever and I switched off all the lights, popped the disc into the noisiest Blu-Ray player Samsung has ever created (think of train noises) donned the 3D glasses (mine green, hers white) and off we went into the first Oscar winning Sci-Fi movie since 1996 (Independence Day for Visual Effects and Sound, Star Trek ‘First Contact’ for Make Up. Not kidding). 90 minutes later, a few shots of Sandra Bullock’s undoubtedly fit figure later and I was thinking ‘that’s it?”. It’s pretty much a seventies disaster movie (think Airport, Towering Inferno, Poseidon Inferno) with graphics my R9 290 could do on a fraction of its processor time and some horrible dialogue (which -I admit- is necessary in every disaster movie) in space. Without Roger Moore, instead with his naughty equivalent, the Cloonster (During the whole movie I begged for Roger Moore to appear behind a friendly helmet visor – or at least a friendly drunk Russian, as it was still possible in Armaggedon. But no).

ImageSo, before you choose ‘Gravity’ as an evening’s entertainment, here are my alternative choices:

  • If you reaaally want to see Sandra Bullock half-naked, watch ‘The Proposal
  • If you want to laugh out loud with Sandra Bullock, watch ‘The Heat‘ (which is admittedly brillant)
  • If you want a proper George Clooney movie in which he doesn’t get killed, watch ‘Ocean’s 11
  • If you want George Clooney sexy, watch ‘Out of SIght
  • If you want to see Space at it’s most beautifully rendered, watch ‘Starship Troopers’
  • If you want a nailbiting disaster movie, watch ‘Cloverfield
  • Or else, go and watch ‘Moonraker’

One thing I have to confess, though: Ed Harris was brillant.