With the United Kingdom again being in Masterchef and general election fever, I thought it might be a good idea to combine the two. Why not let John Torode and Gregg Wallace (T/W) decide who will be the next prime minister on the merits of the presenting skills of the prime ministerial spouses? At least we wouldn’t get a hung parliament

It could go like this:

T/W: Why do you want to be prime minister’s spouse, Samantha?

Samantha Cameron: I am really passionate about this, Gregg. I’ve never been competitive in my life, but this competition really has fired me up.

T/W: What do you want us to know about your future career choice, Sarah?

Sarah Brown: I have never ever wanted anything like this in my life, John! Becoming a prime minister’s spouse is what I wanted to do since meeting my husband.

—

Gregg: ‘John, we are in the presence of two really strong contenders, but who will have the skill and the determination to deliver one perfect  husband?’

—

Female voice from the off: “Will Samantha be able to convince the judges with her composition off a pasty, mediocre chinwag with a shadow cabinet of neoliberal liabilities?”

T/W: ‘Samantha, while the presentation looks lovely, I am getting no taste whatsoever. This is as bland as a piece of white toast from Aldi. Disappointing.’

—

Female voice from the off: ‘Sarah is hoping that her mixture of Scottish dourness, vulcanic temper (tempura. ha!), grandiose ideas about saving the world with a cabinet full of tired, grey men and women with a competency deficit will win the judges hearts.”

T/W: ‘Sarah, I am getting the kick from the anger, the sharpness of the intellect, the bitterness of the character, but the presentation lacks completely in finesse. This looks like a mess.”

–

John: ‘Gregg, this is a disaster. None of the contenders has delivered anything remotely appetising. We might have to call Lembit Opik and the Cheeky Girls to save the series.